I wrote this in a different context as a sort of parody of the emails we get forwarded with idiotic patronising "life tips" and such like. It's not a particularly good or original joke, but it just amused me to write it. However, it started a discussion in which some of the participants appeared to be engaging on a serious basis, not getting the joke. This suggests the internet has now become so vacuous that it cannot be ridiculed.
Save money and improve weight loss with one easy life hack!
By Jamie Dodger, lifestyle guru.
Every day I bring a packet of biscuits to work, like everybody else. Having opened the biscuits in the morning, I proceed to eat them at various stages during the day until they are all gone, which is, as we all know, the correct way of doing things.
However by accident I found a new, secret and unknown way of eating the biscuits which makes them last twice as long!!
One day I was working, eating biscuits as usual, when there was a fire alarm just after lunchtime. The alarm went on for ages, and we were told to go home and come back the next day. When I arrived the next morning I was amazed to find that there were some biscuits already on my desk!
For the next few days I couldn't stop wondering about how the biscuits had appeared, so I tried setting the fire alarm off again at lunchtime. This time the alarm went off quicker, but I went home anyway just to make sure things were the same as the first time [this is how good science works]. When I got back the next morning, again there were biscuits already there!
Then after a couple of months I worked out that I actually didn't need to set off the fire alarm every day to make the trick work. It still works if you have no alarm, but instead you just imagine there was an alarm, and you stop eating biscuits after lunch and carry on with working without eating any biscuits (I never tried this before but in some countries it is commonplace apparently - weird!).
I found that I saved money because I didn't have to buy new biscuits every day because the trick meant I had free biscuits! This even works for jaffa cakes!
And amazingly, I began to lose weight! Which I couldn't understand because I was using less energy because I didn't have to carry so many biscuits around. Somehow, the free biscuits must have been healthier than the new biscuits from the shop! Probably they don't want you to know that or you won't keep buying new biscuits.
Anyway, you just have to remember to stop eating biscuits after lunch and you will get free biscuits and lose weight!
I looked this up on Wikipedia and it turns out there's this thing called a "Half", which is sort of like if you had a new packet of biscuits but someone had already eaten some of them before you opened it (difficult to imagine but true!), but then you have to imagine that it was actually you who had eaten them yourself before you opened it yourself, the previous day - it's kind of complicated time-travel stuff, but you don't need to understand everything about biscuits to make the trick work.
The only problem is that the trick only works once. If you try it two days in a row then you don't have any biscuits on the third day (just unlucky numbers I guess) and then you would have to work all day with no biscuits like during the war or something, so you still have to buy new biscuits on the third day to make the trick work again. Then on the fourth day you would have free biscuits but on the fifth day you would have to buy them again. There is probably some special biscuit rule for how this works but I just figured out to buy biscuits on Monday Wednesday and Friday mostly works great, except the next Monday I always had too many biscuits, so I still need to figure out exactly how to solve that.
Anyway you must remember not to keep bringing a new packet of biscuits every day otherwise the trick won't work because you will have too many biscuits every day, which sounds stupid but you will see what I mean if you forget.